Being the younger one.

Apart from believing the illogical story that we are adopted, we little ones have faced so many such things.
These elder siblings are always on their way to come up with extraordinary lies because no doubt, we are supposed to be their daily piece of entertainment.
They have tried every possible traps and tricks on us much before anyone else thought to do. I still remember every single thing my sister used to do to annoy me. She would hide my things and laugh at me while I panicked, how much she used to enjoy replicating all I said or did. And obviously,I used to fail everytime I tried something like this on her and I would just sit figuring out what went wrong. I can now see how a stupid little kid I was.

Also I used to hate her everytime she would pretend to be innocent and blame me for being a spoiled brat. And the worst thing is, sometimes I was handed over her used stuff, which she didn’t need, instead of buying new for me.

The main struggle is that when you are the younger one, people are always going to compare you with the other.
Your parents already have an image of their elder kid in their mind and they will start freaking out everytime you leave that image and try to build yours.
Your life is a constant battle of making a different character and you must learn how to hold it tight so that you will not fall apart in front of them.
And if you choose a different path, you cant really afford to lose.
Also, we are so influenced by their life that we cant really think of creating our own different story and we start following them. We need to understand the difference between our capabilities and focus on ourselves.

But then, there will be this one person for you throughout the journey to recompense the struggle you are going through.

My sister has always been the sorted and matured one. I used to believe that she can never be wrong, that whatever she thinks is right must be right, I still do.
Yes, I know no one can be so seamless and unblemished. But I still believe it.
I can’t question even one decision she has taken in her life. Maybe we all younger ones think the same.
These elder ones help us to get through all these situations only by being there. Their presence is all we need to make things good. This is how much we love them.
I would say being a younger one is the most sweet and sour experience anyone could have.

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Making a home out of a house.

So doleful and dispirited I got, when they told me that we were moving to a new house.
I should’ve jumped with joy after knowing this. But instead, I cried my eyes out.

The new house was better and spacious than before. But it was all different from the old one and this was the only sad thing about it.

Well, The backyard was going to be replaced by a balcony now, that giant mango tree was going to be replaced by a bunch of flowerpots, my old crooked chair was going to be replaced by a comfy sofa, that dining table was going to be replaced by a foldaway table, and my almirah was going to be replaced by an cupboard.
Above all these, the old vibes were the thing that was so important to me.

It is said that every house has its own scent. Everytime we enter, that scent gives us the feeling of being home which any other house can’t do.

I was told to leave all my old stuff with the old house, and take only the new and necessary ones.
There lied those timeworn toys of mine which were of no use to me now but I still wanted them to be infront of my eyes everytime I would get back to my home.

While sorting these things, mom came to me and smiled, after knowing the reason of my grief.
She taught me something to value and cherish for all of my life.

She said that everything is not going to be ours forever. Sometimes, We have to let go of the things we love. Until and unless we do so, we are not going to find new ones. And you might love these new ones even more! Sometimes, the things which are near to our heart may cause complications. So when the time is right we should learn how to loosen the rope of our attachments.

The pain was not totally gone. But I surely learned to adapt. I stopped complaining about whats gone and started enjoying whats new. Because this is what life is all about.

These days.

The trees and the winds are those
who witness the darkness of the nights and the vapidity of the moon these days.

My eyes have seen it all and cried it out,
And so my lips manage to smile somehow but my eyes cant these days.

I know this is the worst and this shall not repeat again, thats the only reason I blame my destiny less these days.

Trying to conclude it all, all you have done to me, rather all that I have done to myself, I like to spend my time alone these days.

In spite of knowing that I have closed all the doors that would led you to me, I still stare those empty paths these days.

But I am learning how to strike this dejection and where to find the pieces of my broken heart, and for that I always be grateful to these days.

Dear Dad.

Here’s a letter from every daughter who tries to tell her dad how much she loves him but can’t, to every dad who spends all his life trying to give his daughter a better one.

Dear Dad,
I am writing this letter because I know I am not good at expressing my feelings to you. I want to clear all your misunderstandings. I know you have a lot of them, Things which I always wanted to say but I didn’t.
Yes, I know why you care so much when I am away from home.
Yes, I know why you cant stop calling me repeatedly when I dont answer your phone.
Yes, I know why you think that I am a little more concerned about mom. But trust me you are wrong.
Yes, I know how much you hate it when everytime I share something with mom and not with you.
Yes, I know why you dont praise me infront of the relatives.
Yes, I know why the changes in my behaviour affect you so much.
Yes, I know why you always avoid watching that bidaai scene with me.
I remember the day when I was wearing a saree for my annual day function. I stood infront of you, expecting you to tell me how pretty I look in it, but instead you told me not to wear it again. I was very upset. But now I know, that day you realised your little doll was not little anymore, nevertheless I was not the only one who was upset that day.
And yes, I didnt like those chocolates you bought for me, but I ate them all, only to see that smile on your face. Little did I know that you will continue bringing it and I will have to eat it everytime only for the sake your happiness. But it was all worth it.
After that stupid fight between us on what program to watch on tv you always used to let me watch my favourite channel only because you wanted me to sit there with everyone. My presence was more important to you than that cricket match.
You have received least amount of credit for all the things you have done to give us comfort. But I want you to know that I may not always tell you how much I love and adore you, but I do, more than anything in this world. I know I am very stubborn and not easy to deal with. So thank you for tolerating me.

I love you.

Your girl.

Not so dark yet

After facing failures in each aspect of my life, a large amount of hatred from my loved ones, a lot of betrayal, failing in every new thing I tried, and coming to the conclusion that nothing was left in my life, I was standing there, broken and bruised, without a single ray of hope.

I preferred staying in a room full of darkness. ‘oh, how perfectly the dark room resembles my life!’, I used to think.
But that day was quite different.
My mother had kept a diya on the table in my room. The calender on the wall infront of the diya showed that it was diwali. All my days were like the same old dark room, so I had no clue about what festival it was.
The light of the diya was adorning each and every corner of the room. It was not merely representing a decorative item but exibiting a sign of hope.
Inspite of all the darkness around, it was burning with utmost intensity. That small ignited thing wasnt afraid of the black surrounding. Even though the darkness was pitch black, the diya had the courage to make it go away by its own will.
The sight of that light gave me the inspiration to move forward, try once again a little harder, a little longer.
I wonder, if one ray of light can show me a hope. Then imagine a cluster of the rays, a thali of those diyas, and the wonders it could do.
I want that thali, that immense will, to diminish the darkness.
But how can I get it?
I guess the diya kept on the table answers that too.
I just need to gather up some more baatis. And that single diya will light them too.
And I know I have that lone diya somewhere inside me. This darkness inside me too will go away soon.

Khwahishe

Anginat hai khwahishe dil me
Par afsos koshish ek bhi nahi,
Aur agar koshishe ho lakho uski,
To ek kismat hai jo saath nai.

Anginat hai khwahishe dil me
Bas sahi waqt ka hai intezar,
Jo unn khwahisho ke banaye moti,
Aur safalta ke dhage me piroye ek bar.

Anginat hai khwahishe dil me
Aur hasrat hai bharne ki asmaano me udan,
Bas dar lagta hai kahi ho na jau tanha,
Shiddat me pane ki wo shaan.

Anginat hai khwahishe dil me
Jinhe pane ke liye nikle hai to sahi,
Aur yakin hai ki mil jayegi manzile,
Par raasto ka kuch pata nai.

Anginat hai khwahishe dil me
Jo mehfuz hai raato ke sapno me,
Par lagta hai jabse dekha hai wo sapna,
Need hi nai bachi hai aakhon me.

I was there.

I was there,

Craving for the days,

Furbished by your presence.

I was there,

Solacing myself,

And grooving to your memories.

I was there,

Eavesdropping on your conversation with others,

And pretending that I dont care.

I was there,

Carrying lust in my mind,

Just to get that tender touch of your’s

I was there,

Doodling hearts on pages,

And then erasing it with rage.

I was there,

Gazing at that old frame of ours,

Trying to figure out whose mistake it was.

But indeed,

After all this time I was still there,

And you, nowhere.

Fashion or sense?

‘Look it her, she is wearing jhumkas on jeans’

‘Shoes with a skirt? Funny it is.’

‘Her clothes are so old fashioned’

‘Bindi on western outfit? Naah.’

‘Doesnt she have a fashion sense?!’

I happened to meet one such armchair critic today. I was so disappointed by those nasty comments that it constrained me to think about this.
Fashion sense? According to you what is fasion sense? From where does it comes? Who decides it?
Fashion does not means to wear something that is worn by supermodels.
Fashion does not means to copy designer outfits of actors.
Even if you are following the latest trend, you cant make it up to that level until you put your own essence in it.
And even if you are not following the fashion but carrying your body the way you want it to be, you are having a perfect sense of fashion.
Why do people always have to poke others?
You can wear anything you want, anything. It will undoubtedly look good if you are carrying the outfit with confidence.
If you are going with some different mix and match outfit, people will call it weird. But it suddenly becomes a ‘trend’ when some celebrity tries it and people will start wearing it without even being comfortable.
Combining your clothes according to your own ideas and creativity satisfies your soul.
Ones who are more concerned about their appearance should have their own unique style and should not care about what other people would say.
But what most of us do is totally different. We blindly copy others without making use of our own sense. Why to go with the so called fashion rules when we have our own sense?

Face it to fix it.

‘​School days are best days’ ,they say.

They are best because in that age we are best versions of ourselves.

We are not fake.

In fact, We dont even have the ability to think about our benefit and betray others.

Our views are also not clear.

These all things has a great influence on our relationships with others.

As we dont know how to be mean and selfish, our friendships are also the same- real and genuine.

In school, I had many friends but then there were these four special ones. Our bond was as pure as that of our hearts.

We used to do all the fun things together, constantly staring and irritating others, clicking the pen at least once after teacher asked to stop it, playing pranks on the ones we hate, and many more.

All of us had some or other sort of problems but we always had each others back.

Then our real battle started. Life after school was going to lead us on our own path to success but all of us had different ones.

We went to different institutes and different cities.

Apparently, we started losing track of each others life.

Handling all the things in life in a proportion is such a complicated task which I think I am not sufficiently good into. All my other friends were into there occassional meets and talks but I was the one who failed to continue it.

Time flew by and I was there, in an all new city, having new bunch of friends and carrying all new dreams.

One fine day, a friend of mine acquainted me with some kind of workshop based on how to deal with the problems in our everyday life and how to overcome them.

One thing which hit me the most there, was that we need to put some extra efforts if we want to maintain relationships. I realised that I have failed to maintain some sweet bonds. In that workshop, they told us to finish all the work which is we ought to do but we keep hanging those things on. We were told to finish the work which is pending.

And suddenly, many random memories of school waved through my mind like a breeze of air. 

I realised I havent witnessed the love of those school friends since two years. It was a huge amount of time.

I decided, today I will talk to all those friends and will definately try to make things work.

And that bittersweet day ended with lots of complaints, but at the same time a deep breath of satisfaction after all these years.

Sometimes, you just need to take an initiative to make things better and everything else itself goes right. The only thing you need to do is to make a start. You really cant fix anything until you move your ass and face the fear.

Welcome to the real world! It sucks! 

The time had come when I was about to enter a new phase of my life.For me, being so homebody, it was the toughest time.
Still my excitement to live in a hostel knew no limits. My thoughts of living in a hostel were full of fun and amusement.
I finished my packing a few days earlier. All the unnecessary things went into my bags too only for the purpose of showing it off.

I, with mom and dad headed towards the city. The city was very near to my home town so my parents were not that worried about me but yes, they started feeling blue as they were about to leave.
Then they left and suddenly a thought popped up in my head saying ‘Hello girl, you are not safe anymore’. It was the worst feeling.

I realised no one was there who could give me back the feeling of being secured.
I realised no one was there who could assure me with safety.
But I made up my mind as I had no other option.
I thought it would be good to make new friends rather than just sitting and wiping tears. Unfortunately I ended up knowing that  I dont have a roommate and had only one room in that place except mine.

I hate being alone. I always like to be sorrounded with people no matter who they are.                                                        And again my head came up with another bad thought ‘Tada! You have no people over here. You are all alone.’
But I was too tired to give a damn about it that night. So I made my way to the bed.

Next day I woke up with oh-so-excited face. After spilling things on the floor and messing up with the stationeries i finally got ready for the first day of college only to know that government declared that day as a national holiday due to some reasons.
I was so disappointed with all the things that went wrong after shifting to that place.

Such similiar things continued to make me feel low.
I told all these bad happenings to my elder sister. She laughingly said, ‘Welcome to the real world! It sucks!’
Thankfully, I realised that its not just about the place and time, its about life. Things never go the way you want them to be, but still you have to find your own satisfaction. No one is going to do it for you. Maybe its not your life that sucks maybe its your approach towards life that does!!